Am I Likeable?

Of Heart, Hive, & Honeycomb Series | No. 3

We can learn about how crucial relationships are from bees. They must have the warmth and society of one another which is essential for their survival.

Since my teens, friendships have fluctuated. I can attribute it to drifting and different paths, but each dissolvement still puzzles and pains me on a personal level.

Was there something about me that wasn’t likeable enough to keep in touch?

Following a prolonged waiting season last year, Jesus gifted me with a season of community…

Once everything fell into place, I began preparations to move from the East Coast to the West Coast. On the day of travel, I pulled the covers back at 3:45 am on a November morning. One by one, last minute packing and preparations were completed.

My dad was traveling with me, so my mom drove us to the tiny airport a few miles from home. At the counter the baggage was checked and the tickets were secured. For convenience sake, I ate peanut butter cheese crackers and drank bottled water bought from a vending machine. At 6 am, heartfelt goodbyes were said. We went through TSA and boarded the first in a series of flights to Sacramento.

Wheels lifted from the runway. I was officially leaving the hometown where I was born and raised to experience living in a different state. From the air, emotions flowed into “Notes”...

I have a feeling my life is really about to change. I don’t think it will ever be the same after this adventure…

Even though I did not know anybody there, I hoped for potential friends. Jesus had connections waiting for me that I did not know existed which would address those longings. Friendships in North Carolina had not lasted, but I developed a friend group in NorCal, thus the aforementioned “gifting” from him.

There was laughter, encouragement, and conversations. We experienced life together.

One core memory was spending the afternoon in Historic Folsom at Christmas time eating lunch, browsing an ornament shop, finding a mural, and ice skating (being of a more cautious nature, I watched my friends from the sidelines with a cup of steaming hot chocolate).

After a few months, I decided to move back to North Carolina. Sincere goodbyes were given.

At home, it was the same situation as before, no friendships. I was able to briefly reconnect with my West Coast friends in the months to come.

Experiencing relationships in seasons has been my constant norm. Remember Elisabeth Elliot’s wisdom I mentioned in this post about dreams?

“God has promised to supply our needs. What we don’t have now we don’t need now.”―The Path of Loneliness: Finding Your Way Through the Wilderness to God

According to her, in each moment I should be comforted by the truth that “need” is met. My situation—wanting friends—is just that, a want, not genuine need. Does it still ache? Of course! But it is only by the divine purpose of God that it is so.

Elisabeth also said, “God will not protect you from anything that will make you more like Jesus.” The sorrow of not having friends or not being in touch with friends can make us more like Jesus if we usher him into the chambers of our hearts that need mending, giving him access, instead of sitting alone, mystified: “He heals the brokenhearted. And binds up their wounds [healing their pain and comforting their sorrow].” -Psalm 147:3 (AMP)

“Unlikable” Is A Lie

Does your story have struggling ache when it comes to friends, too? More than likely, it is probably a mixture of moments.

Please know, even if you lack companionship now, it does not mean it will always be that way. Jesus could surprise you, too. Community may unfurl. Times of longing can mingle into fulfillment: “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NLT)

Do you believe you’re unlikable? As I was surrounded by people telling me positive things about myself in California, the lie was refuted at the time.

Our likeableness does not hinge upon a string of friends or an absence of them. We are who we are as people, with the character of a believer, before validation. But it is important to avoid isolation in whatever ways we can to be in fellowship, so we can be encouraged and built up: “So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.” —1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NLT)

It is not just about receiving these valuable words ourselves, but also finding the bravery to “encourage…and build up” other people in our path. Sometimes that outlet may be entirely online, so in that case, we can drop that comment, repost, let the person know how they impacted you for the better. There is a quote I have never forgotten which can be a good motivator if you feel shy or uncomfortable:

“If you see something beautiful in someone, speak it.” — Ruthie Lindsey

I do not have a close friendship with anyone at the moment to be completely honest, which means all the wrestling I have illustrated in this post is an immediate struggle. I can only pray for a good friend to go out to coffee with, to meet up and shop with, to have a girls movie night with.

On an afternoon weeks ago over an Eastern North Carolinian meal of BBQ, fried chicken, and sides, I vulnerably told my dad about these struggles. The questions, the hurt. It was not easy to talk about because it is still fresh—I even reached my limit for discussing the topic—but I did have a good takeaway that I will share here…

Dad remembered a quote from George Washington he likes to reflect on when it comes to friendships, “Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.”

So, really, it comes down to practicing gratitude for the “few” relationships that do come our way whether they last months or years—whether they are lifelong.

As we heal from Jesus’ care to these friendship wounds and friendship lack, we must ask for the grace to build new relationships again leaving the length of it to him.

Stored Honey:

It makes one wonder if, like bees, we need the fellowship of one another to survive, why are seasons of loneliness allowed?

Romans 8:28 (AMP) displays the insight of how God is “deeply concerned” and has the goal of “good”:

“And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.”

You enjoy what you’ve waited for that much more, it’s sweeter, and you’re almost guaranteed to savor, when it comes to pass.

Ask The Deep Questions

• Can I allow myself to foster hope for future friendships, even if there aren’t any on the horizon right now?

• If I feel isolated, what would it look like to take one practical step to remedy that in this season?

• What good things have people said about who I am as a person that I can choose to believe over any lies or doubts that have birthed from friendships which have not lasted?

• Can I devote prayer each time I feel pangs of discomfort or longing surface?

Soul Exercise:

Write a list of admirable things about yourself. Jesus prompted me to do this during a two way journaling (prayer) session. It was a good perspective shift!

With Love,

*photos: Unsplash